One day at a time

In college I always told myself, "if I make minimum wage and love my job it will all be worth it". 

I'm now making $11.50 working a job that I hate and I one million percent stand by what I said.

If you're not doing what you love, your heart and your head are not there and your work suffers. Personally, I've been finding when I'm at work I am angry and bitter that I can't be doing what I love. The goal of buying my own rig seems highly unattainable because even if I worked through September and didn't spend a single penny, I wouldn't have enough money. 

It feels unattainable. Out of reach. Distant. This has left me questioning my path. Now I know I don't make my own journey, God writes my story, but it is so hard to be stuck doing what you know isn't your calling. 

I understand there are seasons of waiting. And I understand this season very well may not end until Billy graduates and we can take the next step in our future. But it is exhausting, waking up everyday and yearning to do what I've worked so hard to learn for the last four years. 

Often times on my half-hour-each-way commute I find my self wondering what I'm supposed to be doing. Eagerly praying for that to be revealed so I can begin doing it. 

Graduating changed a lot things in my life and in some ways I feel like things were just ripped away. I can't tell if I just haven't figured out how to work my schedule or it's actually as hard as it seems. 

I've been at Amazon for a month and it's been one of the hardest months of my life as far as stress, anger, and emotions. 

If you would join me in prayerfully seeking my calling, what to persue, and what my next step might be I would very much appreciate that. One additional prayer request is that of community. 

I recently started attending Connection Pointe and I am excited that they have a young adult (college aged though twenty something's) ministry. I am working on getting plugged into it, but in the mean time I have this overwhelming need for community that is not being filled. That also is exhausting because we are called 'not to walk alone' and I've been feeling pretty lonely this past month. 

I feel like I'm rambling now so I'm going to cut myself off. Thank you for your prayers and support. 

Oh hey, whatdup?

Oh hey?

Graduation. I did it. We did it, class of 2014. We finally did it. Congratulations.

Many of you have jobs in your field or are chasing them currently. Congratulations! I'm so happy for you,  I'm so excited that you're get to do what you love! It's been grand watching Facebook and seeing updates of "ohh this friend got her job" or "oh, i'm so happy for him, that's awesome!"

Me? What did I do after graduation? Well, May was pretty insane.

Graduated.
Moved home. Which is currently finished, but still totally not unpacked. and by not unpacked, i mean in bags and boxes still.
Went on vacation. SAI NH. Biltmore Estate. OTTERS! 
Went to Batavia. 
Started working at Amazon. Sunrises.. all the sunrises.
And now we're here.

I'm about to get real honest.

I'm here, feeling stuck. Feeling like I'm never going to go anywhere. Completely devastated and broken, worn out and disappointed.

I momentarily digress. The other day, Kayla and I went to see Vertical Church Band. Man, did my soul need that. What JOY! It's funny. Since I've started to work at Amazon, i've felt stuck but some of the current CCM songs were really resonating with me. Now, when I drive to work I flip between two CCM stations and Saturday morning I was feeling really down, and the Meredith Andrews song "Not for a Moment" came on. Both of the stations. Then was stuck in my head all day at work. That song has kind of been my anthem lately. Anyway, that was the song that VCB opened with and I was just reminded that our God is so good. That night was something I really needed. I can't begin to explain the joy that was sent back into my soul, but it was refreshing and I was able to worship like there was nothgin holding me back, not a care in the world.

I guess, that night has served as a reminder that nothing else matters. Nothing else is important besides our loving Savior who we should live for every day. Now I'm not saying things are all hunky-dory now, three days later. And I'm not saying I'm going to go to work on Wednesday and all of a sudden love my job, but it was a wonderful reminder.

Another one of my jams right now is "Strong God".
"Sing out. Lift your voice and cry out. Awesome is our strong God. Mighty is our God!"
Give it a listen and reflect on our God and truly how awesome He is. 

Sorry if this seemed rambly. Anyway, Billy's favorite word to tell me right now, to help me through this phase is "limbo". Can I just tell you limbo sucks. But life isn't always easy, and we can know this by looking at many stories in the bible. I'm not dumb. I've expected to have some difficulties in my life but I just didn't think they would feel like this. I didn't think my storm would look like this.

But this I know. I'm not alone and when I can't walk any farther, my God will carry me.

If you feel so compelled to pray for me that would be amazing.
Here are a few general prayers:
- physical healing from the exhaustion and pain of work
- emotional strength for mine & Billy's relationship. He is living in Muncie until December (graduation). It's been a really rough month while he's been in summer classes.
- general prayer of strength for our relationship, and that we will grow closer to the Lord
- the reveal of what the future holds for us and what our next step should be (both together and individually) because we both have no idea.

Thank you for your continued support.

Proverbs 16:3 "Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans." (NIV)