There's a Battle

There's a battle between good and evil
And it's raging inside of me
There's a struggle, it's God and the devil
It's love against the enemy

There's a snake that's hiding in the garden
There's a beautiful apple tree
There is trouble on the horizon
But I'm claiming victory


I'm going through a very rough time right now but God is greater. He has over come. If you would, I ask for you to pray for me. I am just dealing with all kinds of trust issues, jealousy, desire, motivation and anger. I greatly appreciate your prayers and thoughts as I try to unpack all of this over Christmas break.

Winter's Spell

When winter casts her spell, no one sees it coming until it hits them. 

These last few years while living in Muncie, every winter just is hard. Nothing in particular but the town just turns gloomy and dreary and it is hard to have motivation for school. And this year I am having a particularly difficult time finding motivation for God. 

Honestly. I know it's dark and empty. I want to change that. I'm trying. But the motivation just isn't there.. With the upcoming plans and attempts of jobs the feature is a terrifying idea. I know I should be leaving on god more now than ever but now I seem so far away. So distant. 

I'm not blaming any one or anything, but it just sucks. 

Prayers for reconnection and revival are appreciated.. 

The Upper Hand

As a senior in a "freshman" class I often wonder if my professor is ever annoyed with me. 

You see, I've learned how to play the game. I know the questions to ask, the emails to send. In previous experiences, if Blackboard says "due October 9" I know to complete that assignment. No matter if we discussed it in class or not. 

However, in this class I constantly find myself "clarifying" information. I assumed the group leader position on our group speech, not because I wanted it, but because I'm not going to accept poor grades and I'm not going to let my teammates slack off. 

I guess you could say that's it's my personality or even that I care too much. But quite honestly it isn't either of those. It's more or less that COMM210 is one more thing on my silly little BSU checklist before I can get my diploma and move on. 

All this goes to say that sometimes, it's nice to find a class or task easy because you've been through the harder stuff first.  Because I pushed off COMM210 until my senior year, I am more responsible and more professional. The class is not difficult for me, nor is it a waste of time. It is quite honestly one of the classes I find easiest to learn and also useful. 

All this just to say that sometimes being the odd ball out actually give you the upper hand. 

Appreciation to Musician

Two years ago, if you had told me I would eventually sing in choir and like it as well as learn guitar, I would have told you no way! Two years ago, if you would have told me I would be in a fraternity, I would have told you no way!

Since January 2012 I have been on an exciting adventure of musicianship. Learning how to better read sheet music, how to sing and even play guitar. Now, I find myself set to play a song on guitar for a recital in November.

Yes.. me, perform a guitar piece.. in November. crazy.

All of this goes to say that I am very grateful for the group of ladies that took a chance on the non-music major and taught me most of what I know. I realized tonight in chapter that I was identifying actual notes on the page.. trust me, that's a big deal.

So I guess I said all this just as a thank you. So... to all those before and all those to come, SAI is more than a sisterhood, it's friendship and music for life.

And music truly is the sweetest gift to the soul.

<3

He is enough

His grace is sufficient. 

No matter how far you've gone, where you've turned, He will welcome you home. Gods loving grace is more than anything I can imagine. It covers every sin. Every shame. It forgives. 

That simple phrase is what keeps me going sometimes. 

His grace is sufficient. 

Thankful

I just want to take a moment and say that I am so incredibly thankful for the place in my life that God has me in. 

While some of my friends are going through challenges right now I just want to let you know that you are a loved child of our God and that you are being prayed for. 

<3

What next?

Be Thou my Vision, oh Lord of my heart.

There is something to be said about sitting down and going back to the hymns. As many of you know, we don't sing traditional hymns on a regular basis at either of the churches Billy and I attend (Northview Christian Church in Danville or Commonway in Muncie). But lately when I have heard even the simplest of hymns, be it on my iPod, the radio or Pandora, something inside me just wants to stop and wholeheartedly worship God.

I don't really know where I'm supposed to be or what I'm supposed to be doing or even why I can't seem to find a job but it is my continued prayer that God will reveal His plan for my life. It's really easy to look back and see where you came from and why you went through what you did but it's super hard to look at your current circumstances and know where to go. I just trust that when it comes to making decisions soon (around December) that I will have a better grasp on what and how to proceed.

In the meantime, I just keep playing these verses on repeat..

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

<3

like dust in the Wind

I don't know my mission, I don't know my future, I just know I'm just floating through.

Not floating like "la-ti-da" but floating like I'm just waiting to see where the Wind takes me. I am anxious and nervous but ready to start my exciting journey.

Here's to the future.

<3

Encouraged

There is not one specific thing I can point to in my life right now but I am incredibly encouraged that my path will only increase in joy as my life progresses. That being said, I want to try to explain this joy I feel. 

- like your favorite song on the radio right when you need it

- like the best, longest hug from your favorite person

- like a free item at your favorite establishment 

- laughing with (or at) your best friend

- knowing that the path you are on will be for your best interest no matter how many storms you face

- like your favorite weather all the time

- like your favorite outfit all the time

These are a few things that normally make me smile. Now combine all of those things and imagine the joy and happiness one might experience with that combination. 

I think for the first time in my life I have been able to experience true joy as God intended for it to be experienced. Man. This is one amazing feeling. I hope it never goes away. 

<3

The Glory of Our God

Indescribable.

Five years ago this time, I went to my first ever CIY MOVE. In the most cliché description possible: it changed my life. But literally after that week in Holland, MI my life was never the same because after that point I could no longer live as a child of the world but rather I was on the path to knowing I was a child of God.

After that week, I came back with questions and a passion for the life changing God that I had never experienced before. Before that week of my life, I had wondered what the purpose of life was, if there was more than school and drama, and where there was for me. As a 16 year old emotional hormonal teenager in little ol' Danville, IN I wanted more. I wanted more than what the world promised, and i felt that longing.

August 10, 2008 I consider my rebirthday. That day marks my "official" acceptance of God into my life and that day is a day I would never change of my life. For me, it marks the best day of my life. Better than that time we went to state finals in winterguard, better than the day(s) i got my black belt(s), better than the day i got my Ball State acceptance letter. All of those things fade away amidst the riches of Heaven.

Fast forward almost five years and the greatness of our God, the God I happily excitedly graciously devoted my life to has blessed me in more ways than I deserve and I know He will continue to bless me. I just want to take a moment to list some of them:

- A almost 4.5 year relationship with a man who has become my best friend. Though we have rough times I never doubted God and He never stopped providing. His provision has never been more apparent to me than it is today as I am able to see what we have gone through and where we are now.  I am only encouraged to proceed and see where He takes us.

- Incredible mission opportunities in both Seattle and Northern Ireland. Each one of these trips have been full of learning about God and who he is and how to trust Him. I can go on and on about these trips but I think I will just summarize and say I'd be totally fine if he put me in either one of these areas for an extended period of time. ;)

- Countless gospel friendships to encourage me along the way. I could sit here an list names but then I'd leave people out and you'd all start fighting and it would get ugly.. so that being said: you're all important and valued to me.

Though the future is uncertain to me [and i find this terrifying] and i prepare as best i can for what after college will have in store I have something important to admit. In the coming months people will be asking me where I see myself and what do I want to do with my future. Here is my response to that: I don't live for myself, I live for God and his Kingdom. I am going to do whatever He asks me to do - wherever He asks me to do it. So no, I no longer plan on moving to Nashville or Chicago right after graduation. And I'm perfectly terrifyingly okay with not knowing what or rather where I am going to be next May. It's not that i'm ignorant or dumb and don't want to apply myself, its that I wish to apply myself for a different purpose than "the american dream".

The coming months are going to be super exciting and I can't even begin to explain how rewarding my last year of school is going to be only taking 12 and 6 credits each semester respectively before I graduate but I am praying that I am able to learn a lot about myself and where God wants me after school. I am so excited to be in a place now where I am able to truly enjoy the blessings I have been given instead of ignore them as I have previously. And I pray that I am able to see these blessings and enjoy in the future as well.

Basically, Glory to God because He is indescribable and I am filled with his Spirit and joy every day.

Let all things we do Father be to your glory and the advancement of your Kingdom. Help us be a light in the darkness and let us see You in everything - even the bad things. It's in your gracious name I ask this Father - Amen.

<3

I see what You did there...

Funny how two people can hear the same message yet get two totally different things from it. Just another way to show the power of our God.

What I am specifically speaking of is the church sermon we heard this morning. It was over John 11. The story of Lazarus and his sisters Martha & Mary. You can read it here. Anywho, after church, Billy and I discussed what we got out of it. And in that moment, as if after reading that passage it wasn't clear enough, I got a tiny glimpse of a reminder of how powerful our God is. Billy got a message 180 degrees different from the one I got, but we both sat in the same room, and heard the same sermon.

I shall not bore you with the details but rather focus on the glory of our God. After today, All I can do is thank him. Though my future lies uncertain.. very uncertain as college is coming to a close and the job hunt will begin soon, one thing I will always know.. He is good and everything is in His timing. That is another thing. Some wise person once told me, you can't tell God when to do something unless you want to see Him laugh.. errr.. something like that. Basically, everything is in the timing of the Lord and no matter what you're going through, no matter how much you think He isn't there, or how much you think He isn't looking over you, He is.

In John 11, Jesus let Lazarus die. Let me say that again. Jesus knew he was ill, and did not go to save him when He first received word of his condition. Four days later, after Lazarus had been long dead, Jesus arrived in Bethany and rose Lazarus from the grave. Not for Martha or Mary, not for the people of Bethany, not even for the sake of Lazarus' life, but so that the people - both back in Jesus' day and us as we read it in the bible - may know that even when we feel abandoned and alone we cannot give up hope or lose faith in our God. For He is always good.

<3

Probably the best internship I will ever have

Sweetwater.

approximately 800 miles a week.
approximately 15 hours a week in the car.
approximately $80 a week for gas.
definitely worth everything I am learning

Since Monday May 6th I have been commuting back and forth from Muncie to Ft. Wayne each way, daily. The math above seems like a lot but man is it worth it. (Shout out to my parents for helping out with gas!)

I could go on and on with details most of you won't understand but I won't waste your time. Just know it's everything I thought it would be and more.

Here is a glimpse of my average day:
     6:40a wake up  
     7:30a leave Muncie
     8:45a arrive at Sweetwater
     9a - 6p INTERNSHIP and lunch in there somewhere for an hour
     6p leave Ft. Wayne
     7:30p get home
     8p eat dinner
     8:30p - ? unwind, chill, do 'homework' on things i learned today at internship
     10:35p go to bed
     11p actually turn phone off and sleep

     repeat.

Now in a real world setting I will not be living an hour away from my job (hopefully) and so I will sleep more and be able to have more "evening."

Something that has been hard for people to understand is that I am not actually doing any work. This does NOT mean I am not learning. I have learned several small but very significant things that will help me in the future and I'm so excited to implement them! As intern, I can touch cables, hang mics, organize things, ect. but I CAN NOT touch sessions. Because Sweetwater is a working studio, the sessions that the employees are working on are for paying clients. For example, today one of the guys bounced some files out for Simon Cowell. Yes... like Idol's Simon Cowell. Small world. So yah.. ain't no way I was gonna touch those. But also on that same note, I was able to "start up" some sessions for another employee by importing session data and changing I/O's. {blah blah blah, technical jargon}

If you could please keep some things in your prayers I would be super stoked!
     - safe travels, 800 miles a week is a lot of driving and there are TONS of dumb people on i-69...
     - that I will be able to continue to "soak up" some of the wisdom these gentleman have. Many of them have been at sweetwater for 6 or more years and the Team Lead is a ProTools Master (kind of a big deal, only 12 in the world, AND a Grammy winning producer... nbd.)
     - rest. as you can imagine, getting roughly 7 hours of sleep a night is hard for me to function, especially since this is "summer". Last Saturday I slept in from 10pm - almost 11am. I guess I was tired.
    

You're awesome! Thanks for reading about my life! <3

todya.

8:46am   wake up in a confusion to realize you slept through most of your 8am an won't be able to make any of the class

roll around in bed for awhile

decide to skip english at 11 cause.. well.. yeah..

food sometime in here.. 

10:45a get up... all of this is a little fuzzy. from now to 12:10pm you watch 2 episodes of Once Upon a Time

12:11pm frantically get ready to leave for the day

12:20pm leave the house

12:30pm Spanish InQsit <failed... 1/11.. thats 9%..>

12:38pm free Starbucks, you choose a tall carmel latte add carmel drizzle

go to the coke lobby. chill for about an hour..

1:47pm head over to spanish class.. loathe the coming class

2:08pm spanish prof finally arrives, hope of class being canceled is crushed.

3:18pm run over to Choral Hall for WoCho..

4:26pm sprint to the library for a meeting about the benefit concert

5:24pm drive home to frantically eat something and prep for concert

5:48pm jaunt back to school for said concert- remembering it is before 7pm and you must park in YOUR garage not the one closest to the venue...

6ish.. dress rehersal starts. confusion ensues.

7:30pm concert begins. an okay performance by you but a delightful performance by the ensemble

8:34pm a quick change and a scurry over to the Letterman Studios for a session. music never sleeps.

9pm dinner! fourth meal.. whatever you wish to call it..

9:45pm back to the session!

now. now here we are. after this day you are exhausted, sitting in a studio right now helping a classmate with a asession because thats what you do. all the hile not caring a single bit about the gramar or formatting in this post..

hence the title. todya.