One day at a time

In college I always told myself, "if I make minimum wage and love my job it will all be worth it". 

I'm now making $11.50 working a job that I hate and I one million percent stand by what I said.

If you're not doing what you love, your heart and your head are not there and your work suffers. Personally, I've been finding when I'm at work I am angry and bitter that I can't be doing what I love. The goal of buying my own rig seems highly unattainable because even if I worked through September and didn't spend a single penny, I wouldn't have enough money. 

It feels unattainable. Out of reach. Distant. This has left me questioning my path. Now I know I don't make my own journey, God writes my story, but it is so hard to be stuck doing what you know isn't your calling. 

I understand there are seasons of waiting. And I understand this season very well may not end until Billy graduates and we can take the next step in our future. But it is exhausting, waking up everyday and yearning to do what I've worked so hard to learn for the last four years. 

Often times on my half-hour-each-way commute I find my self wondering what I'm supposed to be doing. Eagerly praying for that to be revealed so I can begin doing it. 

Graduating changed a lot things in my life and in some ways I feel like things were just ripped away. I can't tell if I just haven't figured out how to work my schedule or it's actually as hard as it seems. 

I've been at Amazon for a month and it's been one of the hardest months of my life as far as stress, anger, and emotions. 

If you would join me in prayerfully seeking my calling, what to persue, and what my next step might be I would very much appreciate that. One additional prayer request is that of community. 

I recently started attending Connection Pointe and I am excited that they have a young adult (college aged though twenty something's) ministry. I am working on getting plugged into it, but in the mean time I have this overwhelming need for community that is not being filled. That also is exhausting because we are called 'not to walk alone' and I've been feeling pretty lonely this past month. 

I feel like I'm rambling now so I'm going to cut myself off. Thank you for your prayers and support. 

Oh hey, whatdup?

Oh hey?

Graduation. I did it. We did it, class of 2014. We finally did it. Congratulations.

Many of you have jobs in your field or are chasing them currently. Congratulations! I'm so happy for you,  I'm so excited that you're get to do what you love! It's been grand watching Facebook and seeing updates of "ohh this friend got her job" or "oh, i'm so happy for him, that's awesome!"

Me? What did I do after graduation? Well, May was pretty insane.

Graduated.
Moved home. Which is currently finished, but still totally not unpacked. and by not unpacked, i mean in bags and boxes still.
Went on vacation. SAI NH. Biltmore Estate. OTTERS! 
Went to Batavia. 
Started working at Amazon. Sunrises.. all the sunrises.
And now we're here.

I'm about to get real honest.

I'm here, feeling stuck. Feeling like I'm never going to go anywhere. Completely devastated and broken, worn out and disappointed.

I momentarily digress. The other day, Kayla and I went to see Vertical Church Band. Man, did my soul need that. What JOY! It's funny. Since I've started to work at Amazon, i've felt stuck but some of the current CCM songs were really resonating with me. Now, when I drive to work I flip between two CCM stations and Saturday morning I was feeling really down, and the Meredith Andrews song "Not for a Moment" came on. Both of the stations. Then was stuck in my head all day at work. That song has kind of been my anthem lately. Anyway, that was the song that VCB opened with and I was just reminded that our God is so good. That night was something I really needed. I can't begin to explain the joy that was sent back into my soul, but it was refreshing and I was able to worship like there was nothgin holding me back, not a care in the world.

I guess, that night has served as a reminder that nothing else matters. Nothing else is important besides our loving Savior who we should live for every day. Now I'm not saying things are all hunky-dory now, three days later. And I'm not saying I'm going to go to work on Wednesday and all of a sudden love my job, but it was a wonderful reminder.

Another one of my jams right now is "Strong God".
"Sing out. Lift your voice and cry out. Awesome is our strong God. Mighty is our God!"
Give it a listen and reflect on our God and truly how awesome He is. 

Sorry if this seemed rambly. Anyway, Billy's favorite word to tell me right now, to help me through this phase is "limbo". Can I just tell you limbo sucks. But life isn't always easy, and we can know this by looking at many stories in the bible. I'm not dumb. I've expected to have some difficulties in my life but I just didn't think they would feel like this. I didn't think my storm would look like this.

But this I know. I'm not alone and when I can't walk any farther, my God will carry me.

If you feel so compelled to pray for me that would be amazing.
Here are a few general prayers:
- physical healing from the exhaustion and pain of work
- emotional strength for mine & Billy's relationship. He is living in Muncie until December (graduation). It's been a really rough month while he's been in summer classes.
- general prayer of strength for our relationship, and that we will grow closer to the Lord
- the reveal of what the future holds for us and what our next step should be (both together and individually) because we both have no idea.

Thank you for your continued support.

Proverbs 16:3 "Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans." (NIV)

The Provision in Graduation

Well, it's been awhile since I've blogged. A lot has happened since last post. 

I have a contracted engineer position secured at Whisper Studios in Kokomo pending I find clients (so if you know anyone, send me my way!)

Iota Chi hosted Beta Province Day which really means we were in charge of setting up a day for about 120 SAIs. It was crazy. Awesome. But crazy. 

Graduation is less than a month away and it is very stressful trying to wrap up the end of the year and this chapter of my life. 

It is a huge answered prayer that I now have a job, in my field, secured after graduation. Like, woah. But really. Woah. 

Since Wednesday I have been continually thanking god for this huge provision but I was weary about where I should move. 

Tonight at the Ryan Furr album release show, during worship I was reassured that I should move to Kokomo. This is a huge relief because now I know where I should move. 

If it is God's will He will make a way. So now, I need a job to pay the bills until my recording picks up. I am praying for unfailing trust, something that has been hard for me, in addition to patience. 

Until today, I had cried every day this week. Some good tears, some tears of agony and distress, and some out of praise and joy. This week more than ever before I've began to understand the power of our great God. 

I have seen how He opens doors that you never thought could be opened. He provides all you can need. 

As far as moving to Kokomo, I have an appartment that I am very interested in, lay job at Whisper Studios, and the luxury of being 1 hour from my man and bestfriend as well as an hour and a half from home, not to mention living in the same town as my dad during the week! Huge blessings. 

Tonight I am in awe of my faithlessness and His faithfulness through my doubt. I am constantly reminding myself in this season of graduation and separation and life changes that "it's not about me". Every time I have freaked out or cried about graduation and moving on it was because "I won't see so and so" or "I won't be able to.." And then yesterday when I was crying none the less, I just thought "it's not about you!" 

If I thought graduating high school was scary or hard, graduating college is literally unlike anything you've ever experienced before, which is scary. Overwhelming actually. The education system you've known for the last 17 years is no longer your routine. Your life no longer runs August- May. You don't have summer vacation. It's going to be an interesting change, one that feels too soon, but a change that now more than ever I'm trying to have faith in my God that he walks beside me and carries me through when I can't walk. 

God is faithful. Through graduation I'm learning how to better live for and worship Christ. 

What a Sabbath

Man, today I did absolutely nothing productive today. I sat around the house and enjoyed time with my family. We talked, laughed, and planned for the coming months. 

After an entire week of fun activities and more than 1,200 mile of travel, barreling a virus since Wednesday and a to do list a mile long, today was a true experience of a sabbath. Something I'm not really sure I had ever experienced before. 

I am thankful for this rest. This week of fun and activities with friends and loved ones. This #LentChallenge that Billy and I are doing is really something incredible. Today marks the day of being half way through Luke. After not seeing Billy for a week, I am blessed to feel close to him knowing that he is growing in the Spirit and that our relationship is growing closer to the ways of the Lord. 

This #LentChallenge is benefitting me in so many ways that I don't even know yet!  I am excited to continue as well as the exciting things to come. 

Something I wanted to work on in this time of Lent is for me to figure out how to trust God fully. Recently I had heard a sermon that convicted my heart in such a way that made me realize how little I was actually trusting God and how much I was planning and trying to controll. 

This blog is ending abruptly based on the fact that it isn't about me. It's about Jesus and how we should give him control of our lives. If we give God the paintbrush, He will paint a much bigger masterpiece that we can ever fathom. 

Planning

I'm a planner. I plan things, I organize things, I make decisions and make things happen. I mean business. 

Graduation. 

I keep having conversations about how I can't find a job locally or no one will even contact me back. 

I've heard that God laughs when we plan out the details of our lives because only He knows them.  Man; He must be rolling on the floor when He looks at me right now. 

I'm filled with so much fear, confusion about what jobs to go for, worry that I'm under qualified, and so much more. 

The sermon from this weeks service at Commonway just keeps resonating with me. More importantly just the last few lines. 

Paul was one of Jesus closes followers and yet he spent his time not learning about scripture but just knowing Jesus. 

This sermon inspired me to just stop (not entirely) learning about Jesus and get to know Him. I know this sounds cheesy but I want to sit down and get to know Jesus. 

My soul longs for a glimpse of my future but I understand that must wait. Please consider praying for me about these issues as well as rest, focus, and what my next step should be. 

Psalm 13 and Thoughts

 This morning, after weeks of frustration, I opened my bible in search of something that resonated with me, not just something to read and learn. I thought, "Oh, the Psalms. There's like 140, there has to be one that will resonate with me." 

Turns out there's actually 150 Psalms. But I just started going through from 1. I read each theme at the beginning and either read the psalm or passed over it. Then I got to Psalm 13. The theme in my bible says, "Praying for relief from despair. We must continue to trust God even when he doesn't answer us immediately."

Woah. That's it. Yup. People say, sometimes the Bible speaks to you. Yeah. That just happened. Anyway, I read it and just every word of it resonated with my situation in life. And then I felt a calm sweep over me. 

Below is the NLT version, I hope it brings you peace.

O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever?
    How long will you look the other way?
How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul,
    with sorrow in my heart every day?
    How long will my enemy have the upper hand?

Turn and answer me, O Lord my God!
    Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die.
Don’t let my enemies gloat, saying, “We have defeated him!”
    Don’t let them rejoice at my downfall.

But I trust in your unfailing love.
    I will rejoice because you have rescued me.
I will sing to the Lord
    because he is good to me.

 

Growing up and Graduating is hard

The job hunt is on! And boy, is it scary, challenging, and an emotional roller coaster. It's hard to find the balance of self encouragement, pride, reality, and confidence to keep applying after rejections and under qualifications.

The newest problem is that I don't have an actual music degree. I find this is a standard and that I might be getting straight overlooked because my degree isn't music business, or music production. Additionally I feel like since I don't have a prestigious name next to my degree I'm also getting over looked.

I am trying to have full faith in God, his provisions and timing but when I don't have any direction as to where I should even be applying it's very hard. I know He is good and will open the right door, but when will I know. Haha.. thats a silly question.

Margaux has invited me to go to Nashville with her over Spring Break and this has my head reeling. I am excited for the opportunity but then is that where I'm supposed to be. The thought of moving away in May and being away from Billy and my family is really hard. A hard reality that hadn't really hit me until today.

Also, moving away! Where? What if I don't have a job. Do I just up an move, immerse myself in a town, make it work there? If I move home I know I won't be devoted to moving away because I'll be working and taking time away from the job hunt. Nothing in college prepares you for this. The fear and confusion that approaches in the months leading up to graduation. I guess I just picked a difficult field, or maybe its a calling rather. I know what I'm doing is right but it is so dang hard.

So for now, I just wait. I seek, pray, and wait. Feeling lost but trusting in Psalm 31:14-15: "But I trust in you, Lord; I say, “You are my God.” My times are in your hands"

Life decisions are hard

Sometimes when friends talk about how we are four weeks into the semester I go into panic mode. That means that in twelve weeks I'm supposed to have a job secured and be ready to go there. 

When I have friends who graduated last May who still don't have jobs, this notion is terrifying. 

Ever since I got into audio in high school I've always thought "man how cool would it be to work in a church doing audio" and as I grew up this seemed to feel less attainable. Less like a "real" option. Tonight, feeling frustrated and hopeless I searched "church audio jobs" and some cool stuff came up. Like two really awesome opportunities at Elevation church which I will apply for in the coming month after I create a video. I have yet to delve into this search further but it is bringing hope back into the job search. 

I'm so much more comfortable in a church setting than an actual recordings studio. Imagine if I got to work in a church setting. :/ 

So much uncertainty and doubt is making it quite difficult to focus in my faith right now. I'm feeling like I'm being tossed around by the waves and some days the waters are still, some days it's rough water.  

None of this goes to mention the uncertainty of the road ahead for Billy and me. We currently have no idea when or where will be a good time or place to be married. All we actually do know is no matter where we are, we do not want to live together before marriage. We are literally trusting for God's timing to prevail. And that can be super hard when friends are getting engaged and married, at least it is for me. 

Directly here are some things that you can pray about us for:

- Recently a possible church job for Billy in Renton, WA has been applied for. He is in talks with a pastor there but we haven't heard anything for about a week or two. 

- I need patience. I am at my wits end trying to find a job in a place I don't know about yet because we haven't picked a place. Job searching is hard when you don't have a specific area in mind.. I'm frustrated with God and don't feel that he is leading me anywhere. 

- Togetherness. The coming months through August are going to be interesting for Billy and me. I graduate in May, Billy in late July. Billy is taking 21 credit hours and our time is minimal and often spent doing homework together. 

Thanks for your support...